Choose A Happiness Mindset

Gram’s Wisdom 30: Define happy

Happiness is such a personal thing my Gram told me. She believed each person must define their happiness, that there is no one-size-fits-all guide. Often, she told me it’s easy to be happy when things go your way, but that is an external source of happiness and doesn’t last. And, why so many people are unhappy.

From the time I was young, all I wanted in life was to be happy, to have a happy mindset. Gram said I, and others, could think happiness into being, that it is a choice. But it must be more than just a wish. She had said, what it takes is an understanding of what grounds you and has a heartfelt meaning for you.

I saw my Gram live a happy life. She had normal sadness and disappointments, but they never kept her down for long. “There will always be someone worse off than you”, she frequently reminded me. Instead, her choice of internal happiness kept her smiling and looking forward to better days.

What does it take to make you happy?

If you've ever felt dissatisfied with your life, a job, or any other professional situation, you've probably heard this old saw; do what makes you happy. However, this advice isn’t particularly helpful, and it's also misguided. Truthfully, you can’t always do what makes you happy. But you can still choose to be happy.

These days, the pursuit of happiness is a deeply ingrained concept. We're taught to believe our lives should be happy, and we're encouraged to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

But, like everything else in life, happiness isn't that simple.

What happiness is

In its most basic form, happiness is a sense of more positives than negatives in life. Some may tell you happiness refers to what you can get from others and your environment. In short, you're happy when your material and emotional needs are met.

Look at Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Outmoded or not, it gives us a good idea of what people need to be happy and the importance of each of those areas in our lives - from basic biological needs like food and shelter to more elevated needs like self-development and creativity. In other words, it explains human nature in terms that most of us recognize.

However, satisfying our needs doesn't always make us happy. And in many cases, that comes in direct contradiction with the happiness we seek.

For instance, a job that covers your basic needs for food, shelter, and security could be standing in the way of your need for creativity, flexibility, and autonomy.

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On top of that, there is a tendency to assume happiness is static, as something you either have or don't. However, this isn't the situation, at all. Instead, happiness is flexible and transitory.

Is the quest for happiness illusory?

Not fundamentally. Instead, to find happiness, you need to redefine it, first.

You can redefine that happiness by making it broader -- it's not just about the good feeling you get when your needs are met, or when you receive something pleasing from someone else. For some, it’s about what you can give or do for others, and how giving affords you a purpose and a connection to your community.

According to psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, giving helps you reaffirm your very humanity. It makes you forget yourself and give yourself to the person in front of you.

Change your focus

With that in mind here are 5 simple things you can do to switch the focus from your thoughts and needs to someone else's.

1 | Listen to others. Approach every conversation as a chance to connect with a person. So, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak, pay attention to every word the other person is saying. Notice the tone of his voice, his body language. And don't forget to ask questions.

2 | Make something for someone. Can you knit, make origami figures, or draw? Can you cook or bake? Make something and give it away. Never expect anything in return.

3 | Volunteer your time. Take five minutes to think of what's important to you. What are your values? Is there a cause you'd like to champion? Do you have time or skills to give away to that cause?

4 | Kindness is never a waste of time. Make it a purpose to be kind to others every single day. Believe it or not, little acts of kindness have a contagious effect. Compliment someone. Notice if she did something with her hair. Help him with his groceries. Offer to do some extra work to help a colleague.

5 | Mentor someone. We all started somewhere. We've all been lost, confused, and exhausted. Perhaps, you have answers and insights that can help someone beginning his/ her journey.

By giving, you're creating connections with those around you. Life stops being just about seeking self-satisfaction and it takes on a deeper layer of commitment and meaning. Life is no longer all about you. It's about producing a positive effect on other people's lives. Moreover, you can be happier and more fulfilled.

My final thought

The happiness mindset I wanted so dearly as a young person has been my favorite mindset for more years than I can count. I wake up happy and grateful every day because it is my choice. Because of it, people who know me believe I have a perpetually sunny disposition. Because of it, I am resilient. You too can choose happiness, define it into being, and live a less stressful more positive life.

Thank you for reading this post. Please share it with someone you love.

For further information, you might like this post by Lalisa Doniho

5 Reasons Why Happiness Is All About Your Mindset

Or this past post of mine

It’s Your Life Discover Your Path To Happiness

You Want To Be Forgiving

Gram’s Wisdom 23

My Gram believed we all should be more forgiving. She was the ultimate people person. The idea of losing the friendship or company of someone she liked due to a lapse in behavior or a misunderstanding wasn’t sensible to her.

If you’ve been hurt, it might feel ludicrous to think about forgiving someone who hurt you but hear me out, there are important reasons why offering forgiveness can help you.

You may have a blind spot when it comes to forgiveness, but there are valuable reasons why you should consider forgiveness as one of the options related to your anger, sadness, or other emotions tied to your situation.

There are reasons why you may want to forgive someone who hurt you

Forgiveness can restore what’s been lost:

Gram told me the rift between people can grow larger if we don’t take pains to put a stop to it. The pain lingers, the resentment grows, and the hurt takes on a life of its own. Hashing things out and forgiving can allow for restoration and resolution. The times when the issues are too serious and too big to resolve, forgiveness can still make it possible to stop the feedback loop playing in your head. If restoration isn’t possible, letting go of what is eating you up is still an option. 

The benefits of forgiving and forgetting are emotional, physical, and practical. Walking around with chronic anger and resentment can bleed into all areas of life. By finding the courage and practical ways to forgive, you can move through your negative emotions and into a better space of acceptance, healthy boundaries, and grace.

Pent-up anger causes physical illness:

Your bitterness or pain can transform into real physical illness, depriving you further than you’ve already been. Keeping the offense unresolved can lead to high blood pressure, anxieties, and worse. You do your body a favor by forgiving helping to ensure your health remains intact.

Your emotions remain unresolved:

If you carry the emotions tied to your situation, they will remain unresolved. Feeling angry, bitter, sad, or any other negative emotion comes from the place that wants justice and vindication. Mixed in with the muck and the mire are all manner of distorted thoughts that preserve your unresolved emotions. This can make a mountain out of a molehill and steal your happiness. Letting go of the blame and need for vindication makes it possible to move through the situation and on with your life.

Forgive and forget

You may agree theoretically that forgiving and forgetting is possible, but, is it? Gram would have said, Absolutely with time, patience, and grace. Having a forgiving nature may not be a natural state of being but it can become part of your relationships tool kit.

Let’s look at how to forgive, and why people don’t forgive:

It doesn’t feel fair- It feels unfair to forgive someone who might be getting away with doing a bad thing. It doesn’t fit the idea of justice to not hold someone accountable and require amends for their offense. It feels like your pain isn’t valid or important enough and that the offender is going to go without understanding the effect their actions have on you and others.

It feels good- The only reason someone holds onto negative feelings is that they are getting something out of it. Holding a grudge and being hostile feels good. It feels good to know someone owes you for their transgression. It feels good to be the center of other people’s sympathies and caring inquiries. 

With these things in play, it’s possible to forgive and forget.

A | You see the big picture

From knowing it is in your best interest physically and emotionally, to know that it’s ultimately best for others, forgiveness can come when you see a bigger picture.

B | You see more than one angle to a situation

In rare cases, you can look past the offense and examine the circumstances in totality. Find it in your heart to forgive and, in some cases, build a relationship that transcends the situation.

C | Your understanding overrides your emotions

Don’t allow emotions to rule the day. When understanding decrees, forgiveness will happen. Understanding sees the benefits despite the apparent loss. When understanding nudges emotions to consider moving on, forgiveness is possible.

Forgiveness is always possible when the keenness of the situation diminishes, and the bigger picture comes into play. Allow yourself time, patience, and grace, and you can find forgiveness.

My final thought

We all draw a line at what seems to us to be unforgivable and rightly so. At the same time, we know when we forgive a transgression against us, it brings us peace. I believe like my Gram, that in the end, forgiveness is a choice. I choose to look for every way I can to forgive someone and to keep them part of my life.

This post is in response to my 3rd most popular post and I have linked it below.

How Forgiveness Makes Us Happier and Healthier

I hope you liked this post and will share it with your family and friends.

Create Your Intentional Life

Live with intention or by default

There’s much talk about intentional living lately. But what does this mean? Intentional living is consciously living in alignment with your values and beliefs.

It’s opposite to what many people do. They live in default mode, being satisfied to only take action when disasters occur.

Intentional living is about an awareness of who you want to be and how you want to live. Of making that choice and then being disciplined enough to do it consistently.

How to live your life intentionally

Take the time, take control of your life, and make decisions that matter. Not to your Mom or your best friend. Matter to you.  Choose the course for your life or life will make those choices for you. And those choices will likely be haphazard and unpleasant. In other words, take control while you still have time to create an exciting life or one of peace and calm if that is your preference.

Try these 10 tips to help you live with intention:

1 | Your choices matter. An intentional life is all about making choices that make sense for you and your beliefs. Determine the kind of life you want to lead and direction you want to take that will create the results you want. Change as necessary life isn’t static.

But choose. Your past needn’t be an issue. You may have been afraid to make a choice and fail. It’s true, you can’t fail if you never try. You don’t want to make an incorrect choice. However, this thinking is a trap. You should make a reasonable choice and give it your best effort. Without it, you may not experience the success and happiness that you deserve.

Your greatest power is the power of decision.

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”

— Roy Disney

2 | Visualize your dream life in detail. Have a target in mind. Think about how you’d like to live. Be bold-spirited and leave your doubts and limitations behind for a moment. Go for broke it’s your life.

Consider your ideal day. How would you like to spend your time? Who else would be there? Where would you live? What would your finances be like? Does it include travel or education? Give it some thought. Write it down in a journal or a piece of paper. Refer back to it often.

3 | Know your values and beliefs. A large part of intentional living is living aligned with your values and your beliefs. It’s not about reacting to everything in the most expedient fashion. It’s about proactively living on your terms. It’s necessary to be intimately familiar with your beliefs and values to accomplish that.

4 |Prioritize the first things first. Money isn’t the main thing, but it’s an important thing. Money is great for solving many of life’s challenges such as food and housing. It’s also a necessary resource that affords you the ability to do the things you want to do like traveling. If you’re having financial struggles, it makes the most sense to work on your finances first.

Make a logical progression for each part of your life you’d like to change. Your health is key to your enjoyment of life. If you need to lose 100 pounds, going for a daily walk and eliminating high-calorie drinks would be a good beginning. After a month of walking, you could add additional exercise and diet changes.

Focus on financial and health issues first. After you’ve gained some momentum, you can address the other parts of your life.

5 | Set goals for the major areas of your life. These typically include your home, career, relationships, and education. Of course, you can add other categories as you need them, depending on your aspirations and values.

6 | Choose or create habits to support those goals. Intentional living is much easier with supportive habits in place. You’ll run out of willpower otherwise. Select simple, but effective habits that will help you to reach your goals and begin implementing them.

7 | Decide how you will spend your time. Most of us don’t give a lot of thought to what we do each day. Keeping your dreams and values in mind, what is the best thing for you to do at this moment? What do you need to accomplish today? Have you made a plan? Make choices and avoid operating on autopilot.

8 | Master your impulses. Most of our impulses lead us down the wrong path. They’re often habitual and related to pleasure or discomfort avoidance. Intentional living is about making rational decisions and exercising consistent follow through regardless of comfort. Following your impulses are the opposite of intentional living.

9 | Reject distractions. This includes all distracting thoughts of the past or future. Intention requires presence. Distractions are things you shouldn’t be doing at that moment. Even paying your bills can be a distraction if you should be doing something more important at that time.

10 | Take stock of your day. How well did you do today at living intentionally? What challenges did you face? Where did you fall short? What can you do tomorrow even better than you did it today? What win did you have that you can build on? Learn something new each day for the future.

 My final thought

Are you choosing and creating your life or just living by default? Having a life, that you love will never happen by accident. Be courageous enough to choose the life you want for yourself. Decide the kind of person you want to be. Make your decisions and choose your actions accordingly. Remember, when you refuse to make a choice, you have made your choice.

Be present in your life. Be in control of your life. Be happy in your life.

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