Gram’s Wisdom 30: Define happy

Happiness is such a personal thing my Gram told me. She believed each person must define their happiness, that there is no one-size-fits-all guide. Often, she told me it’s easy to be happy when things go your way, but that is an external source of happiness and doesn’t last. And, why so many people are unhappy.

From the time I was young, all I wanted in life was to be happy, to have a happy mindset. Gram said I, and others, could think happiness into being, that it is a choice. But it must be more than just a wish. She had said, what it takes is an understanding of what grounds you and has a heartfelt meaning for you.

I saw my Gram live a happy life. She had normal sadness and disappointments, but they never kept her down for long. “There will always be someone worse off than you”, she frequently reminded me. Instead, her choice of internal happiness kept her smiling and looking forward to better days.

What does it take to make you happy?

If you've ever felt dissatisfied with your life, a job, or any other professional situation, you've probably heard this old saw; do what makes you happy. However, this advice isn’t particularly helpful, and it's also misguided. Truthfully, you can’t always do what makes you happy. But you can still choose to be happy.

These days, the pursuit of happiness is a deeply ingrained concept. We're taught to believe our lives should be happy, and we're encouraged to do whatever it takes to achieve that.

But, like everything else in life, happiness isn't that simple.

What happiness is

In its most basic form, happiness is a sense of more positives than negatives in life. Some may tell you happiness refers to what you can get from others and your environment. In short, you're happy when your material and emotional needs are met.

Look at Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Outmoded or not, it gives us a good idea of what people need to be happy and the importance of each of those areas in our lives - from basic biological needs like food and shelter to more elevated needs like self-development and creativity. In other words, it explains human nature in terms that most of us recognize.

However, satisfying our needs doesn't always make us happy. And in many cases, that comes in direct contradiction with the happiness we seek.

For instance, a job that covers your basic needs for food, shelter, and security could be standing in the way of your need for creativity, flexibility, and autonomy.

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On top of that, there is a tendency to assume happiness is static, as something you either have or don't. However, this isn't the situation, at all. Instead, happiness is flexible and transitory.

Is the quest for happiness illusory?

Not fundamentally. Instead, to find happiness, you need to redefine it, first.

You can redefine that happiness by making it broader -- it's not just about the good feeling you get when your needs are met, or when you receive something pleasing from someone else. For some, it’s about what you can give or do for others, and how giving affords you a purpose and a connection to your community.

According to psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, giving helps you reaffirm your very humanity. It makes you forget yourself and give yourself to the person in front of you.

Change your focus

With that in mind here are 5 simple things you can do to switch the focus from your thoughts and needs to someone else's.

1 | Listen to others. Approach every conversation as a chance to connect with a person. So, instead of just waiting for your turn to speak, pay attention to every word the other person is saying. Notice the tone of his voice, his body language. And don't forget to ask questions.

2 | Make something for someone. Can you knit, make origami figures, or draw? Can you cook or bake? Make something and give it away. Never expect anything in return.

3 | Volunteer your time. Take five minutes to think of what's important to you. What are your values? Is there a cause you'd like to champion? Do you have time or skills to give away to that cause?

4 | Kindness is never a waste of time. Make it a purpose to be kind to others every single day. Believe it or not, little acts of kindness have a contagious effect. Compliment someone. Notice if she did something with her hair. Help him with his groceries. Offer to do some extra work to help a colleague.

5 | Mentor someone. We all started somewhere. We've all been lost, confused, and exhausted. Perhaps, you have answers and insights that can help someone beginning his/ her journey.

By giving, you're creating connections with those around you. Life stops being just about seeking self-satisfaction and it takes on a deeper layer of commitment and meaning. Life is no longer all about you. It's about producing a positive effect on other people's lives. Moreover, you can be happier and more fulfilled.

My final thought

The happiness mindset I wanted so dearly as a young person has been my favorite mindset for more years than I can count. I wake up happy and grateful every day because it is my choice. Because of it, people who know me believe I have a perpetually sunny disposition. Because of it, I am resilient. You too can choose happiness, define it into being, and live a less stressful more positive life.