Ways For You To Choose Happiness

More to happiness than positive thoughts

People may tell you to think “happy thoughts” or to think positively if you want to be happy. And they would be right, and, they would be wrong. Happiness is a mindset, a powerful feeling. If you want to be happy it takes more than just positive thoughts. It also takes positive action. 

While the dictionary defines happiness as “the state of being happy” which gives you very little information about the idea or feeling of, or state of happiness. Let’s look at some different things that happiness can be, but realize that in truth, happiness is in the mind of the beholder.

You have what you need  

When a person is happy, they usually don’t even have any needs that aren’t being met to the level they want them to be met. It doesn’t mean that someone is not having a hard time it’s all about how you make what you have fill your needs.

You feel satisfied

When you are happy you tend to feel simply satisfied with your life. You think about your life and feel good about it. You feel very satisfied when you look around your life and see all the fortune you have whether it’s where you live, who you live with, or just about yourself doesn’t even matter.

You’re contented

A happy person tends to feel really content about the things in their life. They feel content about their job, their home, their things, their health – nothing is nagging at their mind about anything causing stress. But remember happy people do have stress, they’re just better at feeling content even when things aren’t perfect.

You feel peaceful

A happy person often feels a lot of peace surrounding their life and family. They tend to know that everything will turn out okay and are good at turning negativity into positivity.

You define your happiness

The truth is, happiness is how you define it personally for you. It’s not about getting tons of stuff unless you want that. It’s not about finding a spouse unless you want that. It’s not about having kids unless you want that. It’s all up to you and  your definition of  happiness.

It’s a journey

Happiness is not a destination that you get to one day and stay at. It’s a lifelong journey that will have many ups and downs and struggles. However, overall the ups and downs of life, you manage to feel good about it. In the 1989 movie, “Parenthood” one of the main characters, a mother, who is struggling states that she loves “the roller-coaster” of life while her husband is struggling and not as happy because he focuses on the downs instead of the ups.

How you act

When you are happy you tend to act in more positive ways over all. When happy, you eat better, you move more, you think differently. Don’t worry. You have it in your power to be happy where you are in your life right now.

Happiness is more than thinking positive thoughts. Happiness is having your needs met, but it’s not about having everything, or even the best, it’s about being satisfied with what you have while also being able to work for the things you want. While you do have to do more than think positively to really and truly feel happy, it does start with your thoughts. However, it will manifest with your actions. 

For another look at happiness see my past post, Acting How You Want To Feel.

Five ways being happy is important

You probably have happiness as one of your life goals, whether it’s explicit or not. It’s probably up there with being healthy, wealthy, and wise! There are some solidly good reasons why it’s important to be happy, and some of them will surprise you.

1.   Happiness feels marvelous

Happiness is wonderful purely for its own sake. When you’re happy, you feel energetic and content. All is right with your world, and you naturally want to spread your good vibes.

2.   Being happy is good for your overall health

When you’re happy, you flood your brain with endorphins and other positive hormones like dopamine and serotonin. Your stress levels go down, along with your blood pressure and your heart rate.

Happy people are more resilient in the face of life’s stress; they tend to be better able to roll with the punches and come up smiling. If you’re happy, you’re less likely to suffer from heart disease, inflammation, and chronic disease. You’ll age better and even live longer!

3.   Success doesn’t mean a thing without happiness

Every day you can read about successful, wealthy people whose lives are out of control due to the pressures of celebrity, drug addiction, or alcoholism. Their success hasn’t automatically meant happiness for them. So, if you think that being rich or having a new car or being famous will make you happy, think again. If you hate your life, no amount of success will bring you joy.

4.   Happy people have better relationships

Happiness is contagious and attractive. We see happy people as more trustworthy and stronger leaders. They are also likely to have a wider circle of friends, have better interpersonal relationships, and are more likely to have a romantic partner.

5.   Being happy makes you a nicer person

It seems that happiness and empathy are linked. Happy people are more likely to share their good fortune and help others.

Happy people are also less violent and more peaceful. Researchers think that positive emotions make us more likely to seek a win/win solution and change the way we think.  

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions”.

   Dalai Lama XIV

Four truths of happiness

Stop for a moment and think about what true happiness is. Guaranteed it’s not a new car or a big house. True happiness comes from within and isn’t dependent on possessions. You can find real happiness in the following truths.

1.   Happiness is found in a full life

You can be happy even if things in your life aren’t going the way you planned. A full life has ups and downs, setbacks as well as achievements. Happiness means finding meaning in whatever is happening around and to you. Being grateful for whatever you’re experiencing will make for a happier, more satisfying life.

2.   Your happiness doesn’t depend on other people

Often people put their happiness in the hands of others. They need external validation to feel good. But relying on other people’s good opinion of you isn’t a healthy way to live.

Check in with how you feel deep in your heart, do the best you can, and let other people worry about themselves.

3.   Happiness is not pretending

Social media is full of people pretending to have perfect lives. They don’t. No one does. The happiness you see on TV or your social media feed may be genuine, maybe not. But remember everyone is showing the best of their lives. Likely a lot of them are pretending to be happier than they are. No one is going to post their latest fight or talk about being fired.

So, the online world you see, that’s full of promotions, and happy families is an illusion. The real world is much more nuanced, and real happiness doesn’t happen in a bubble.

4.   Your happiness comes from within you

It might sound like a truism/cliché, but true happiness does come from within yourself. If you expect someone else to make you happy, whether it’s a partner, friend or child, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. And giving them an unrealistic and unfair responsibility. The only person responsible for your happiness is you.

True happiness comes from a deep connection to yourself, from self-knowing and self-acceptance. And once you have that, all your relationships will be energized and happier. 

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How To Manifest Anything You Want

In the world we live in, working hard to improve our status, become someone’s ideal for success, or at the very least to afford more “stuff” is a highly prized activity. But does this take you to where you want to go in life? No. Mostly it keeps you chasing your tail in the rat race so that you barely find time or energy to breathe. Yet, if you slow down, follow another path, you can use the law of attraction in your favor. You can quit fighting the tide and instead go with the current. 

Why should you manifest your desired life?

Aren’t you tired of the uphill, both ways, climb to get what you want from life? You need to stop now, and ask the Universe for assistance if you are going to get all that you most desire in your life. And, when you do, what you will receive in return when you practice manifestation is so much more than you will ever have imagined.

Just take a look at these 5 manifestation practice benefits:

 A life less stressful –

It’s true that when you get out of your own way, and ask the Universe to lend a hand in moving things along, you will experience less stress in your life. Your step will be lighter and you can relax in the knowledge that the Universe has your back and is at work on your behalf.

A life more plentiful –

Whatever your motivation be it love, career, or finance, it’s assumed that you want more abundance in your life right? And, you will have it. After you have begun your manifestation practice in earnest you will become aware of the plenty in your life. Because of all the wonderful things that have always been a part of your life. From there it just increases exponentially as we allow the Universe to aid us in getting our deepest desires.

A life with more fun time –

If you aren’t always working on being perfect during your waking hours, you can allow yourself the luxury of goofiness and having more fun. You needn’t worry that there is insufficient time to have fun or that it’s necessary for your work to always be done first. And hey, the Universe is watching out for you, and when there is something for you to do, you’ll know.

A life of improved health –

Since you have less stress, increased gratitude for the awesomeness currently in your life, and additional fun time, how could your health not benefit from your manifestation practice? It is only obvious that you would laugh more often, worry less frequently, sit less and move around more, simply because you handed off the operation of getting where you want to be to the Universe.

A life of increased happiness –

Genuine happiness is a mindset, and it happens naturally when you encourage it and allow your life to unfold as it should instead of compelling it or manipulating it to bend to your will. Freeing yourself of the perpetual pursuit of your dreams and allowing the Universe to work it’s best for you will make you happier and more fulfilled.

How do I use the law of attraction?

What is this law of attraction?

The law of attraction encourages us to put exercises into place that will pull our deepest desires to us. Positivity is an action you can take to make this happen quicker and more easily. Because what you focus on is what you get, remember to keep those negative thoughts at bay. Another part of the law of attraction that people overlook is going with the flow of energy the Universe provides to manifest your dreams into reality.

 Surrender to the will of the Universe

Asking you to surrender to the Universe is very challenging for people living in a world that they are told rewards hard work and constant planning. People who hear of the law of attraction, usually begin working longer, harder, and faster in an effort to reach their goals. This what they have been trained to do – if you want to reach your goal you must work hard to get it. But this is the exact opposite of what will attract your dreams to you.

  Go with the flow

Rather than struggling even harder, you need to give up the struggle. You should go with the flow, relax, and ride the wave. Some people suppose this is must be the lazy way out. Surely getting access to what you desire most necessitates that you put in the effort and battle anything that obstructs your way. But the Universe wants to reward those who allow it to do the hard work for them.

 Conserve your energies

When a man is drowning, he is in battle with the water, thrashing around attempting to keep his head above the water. Soon he becomes exhausted, he just can’t fight it anymore. But if you are the man who permits the Universe to help you then you can conserve your energy. All you need to do now to survive is to relax and float.

 Taking Inspired action

Now, allowing the Universe to aid you doesn’t mean you will have nothing to do. You will need to take inspired action. The focus here is on “inspired.” Rather than doing busy work on anything you can think of that might help you get what you want. Instead, do only the tasks that you feel in your gut. It’s the follow up on a chance piece of information. Reading a book that is recommended to you. Setting up a job interview you overheard about. When an action comes to your awareness and you feel inspired to do it, you do it. This is the Universe guiding your desires right into your hands.

It is as easy to create a castle as a button. It’s just a matter of whether you are focused on a castle or a button. - Abraham Hicks

 Skills to make manifesting easier

Going with the flow of life doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you can do to make your manifestation efforts more effective. The following short list includes ways you can manifest your ideal life more quickly.

Meditation

Anytime you can reduce the number of thoughts swirling through your mind is a time when you are surrendering to the power of the Universe. Most of your thinking and planning only complicates your life. During meditation, you can enter a state of relaxing in an awareness that continues throughout your day.

Visualization

Visualization is a practical, fun way to put your visions of your future into the Universe to design your own destiny. When done consistently, visualization triggers your creative subconscious to the point where your mind doesn’t know the difference between what you visualize and reality. Only a few minutes a day will really ramp up your manifesting muscle.

Journaling

Putting words onto paper is extremely powerful, though often overlooked in our digital world. Writing down what you want to manifest allows you to get very clear and specific about what it is you want, which is a vital first step in manifesting. Writing down your goals daily, at least once, is a way to keep them in the forefront of your mind without obsessing over them, which can easily turn into resistance of the natural, Universal flow. 

Affirmations

Affirming that our deepest desires are already on their way to us is a popular way to manifest. Affirmations show the Universe that you are willing to work with it to attract what you want into your life. They also keep your thoughts positive so you don’t go into resistance mode when you want to go with the flow instead.

Practice gratitude

While you want to enjoy even bigger things in your life, manifesting is based on being grateful for what you have now. If you don’t appreciate what you have, why would the Universe be interested in giving you more? Practicing gratitude on a daily basis, whether formally in a journal or informally by sending out little thank you thoughts when something delights you is a powerful way to build your manifesting muscle while enjoying your daily life more.

Pretend

Feeling how you want to feel when you get your ideal life is important. Many people think they will feel it when it happens, but the law of attraction works the opposite way. What you feel, you attract. The more you practice feeling the way you want to feel, the more quickly your ideal life can materialize.

The art manifestation is a simple concept that’s easy to apply to your daily life. With awareness and practice, you can manifest amazing things into your life.

For more information here is Elyse Santilli’s post 15 Magical Ways To Manifest Your Desires.

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How Mindfulness Helps You Enjoy The Journey

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Gram’s Wisdom Installment 3

Life moved at the pace of molasses when you were a kid. Long drowsy summers broken up by even longer years of school. Those are wondrous years when there were no small moments and enjoying the little things came so naturally to you.

Soon those years are gone and you enter your place in the rat race. Somewhere between the struggle for the corner office and the raising of perfect children the moments seem lost to you and the enjoyments fewer.

Stop and Smell the Flowers

Gram told me that our lives all have the same destination. The journey to that destination has hills and valleys, twists and turns, and too frequently a detour or two. Then she assured me that we all arrive at that destination each in our own good time. You can enjoy the journey or let it pass you by unnoticed. Your choice. The secret she said was to enjoy the trip by repeatedly stopping to look at and smell the flowers. Today we call that being mindful.

A balanced life is a myth

You become so involved in your work that everyday things, important things, get shoved to the side and forgotten. Yes, you need to give your job time and concentration, but it shouldn’t be the sum total of your life.

Nor should any other part of your life take up all of your time and mental resources. But life is messy and comes to us in seasons, not resting on the head of a pin. Not waiting for its turn to have your full attention.

Is it any wonder that your life passes you by for days or weeks on end as you exist on autopilot? Do you frequently feel directionless or frazzled?

Why mindfulness?

The practice of mindfulness helps to anchor you to moments in your life. When you bask in the glory of a fresh new morning as you listen to birds sing and feel the sun on your skin, you know your enjoyment of the day is better for having had that experience.

Mindfulness is an awareness of yourself, how you feel, your senses, and of your surroundings. Not just as an onlooker as your life slips by, but as an active participant. To be present in a moment and mindful is to open yourself to it completely. To fully engage all of your senses and then examine in a non-judge mental way how they makes you feel.

Mindfulness benefits

Mindfulness opens your heart. Because you open your mind and senses to your experiences your heart will follow. The things you do or the time you spend with your loved ones is done with loving hands and a loving heart. Your whole-hearted presence is felt in the lives of those for whom you care.

For more benefits check out my previous post 10 Best Reasons For You To Become Mindful.

“The feeling that any task is a nuisance will soon disappear if it is done in mindfulness.”  -Thich Nhat Hanh

Make time for self-care

Your friends, partners, children, and work all need your care and attention. But for you to do this you must make caring for yourself a priority. Take time out to slow down and take part in fun activities that renew your energy. Take a walk, read a book, or binge on your favorite TV show. You choose. Self-care isn’t selfish it’s a necessity.

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Simple Ways To Manifest Your Dreams

Are you perplexed as to why you seem to get nowhere with the Law of Attraction? You think you’ve done exactly what you’ve been told is the proper way to manifest what you truly desire in your life. Why is it you continue to get more of what you’ve gotten in the past, or have hindrances blocking the way to your goals?

Do You Block Yourself?

The likeliest reason is that you block yourself with old beliefs about why you can’t have what you want. These beliefs come from your distant past frequently. Often you are unaware they are even there, playing the same phrase over and over like a needle stuck in a record. If obstacles continue to hinder your goal, you need to take a harder look at what you believe about receiving that deep desire.

The most common blocks are:

• I’m not smart enough

• I’m not handsome/pretty enough

• Making money is hard work

• We struggle to overcome one problem after another, and then we die

• I’ll get what I want when I get to Heaven

• I’m not creative enough

• I don’t deserve it

• I’m not good enough

• Wanting more money is greedy

• The root of all evil is money

• If I have what I want, other people won’t be able to have their needs met

Fear is another way we create blocks for ourselves. We have plenty of fears surrounding what will happen if we don’t get the the desired result. Yet, there are plenty of fears to go around if we do get what we want.

Your unrecognized fears may look like these:

• I’m too old

• I’m too young

• I’m not educated enough

• I’d make a fool of myself

• I fail and everyone knows it

• I succeed and my friends abandon me because I’m too rich/popular/famous/

• Everyone wants something from me because they think I’m rich

• I’m not good enough

Clear away your mental blocks

Since these mental blocks and fears have been ingrained in your subconscious for a long time their effects are more potent than your efforts to manifest. The thing you need to do first is to recognize them. Take some time and put pen to paper. Write down any memories or teachings you might have about getting what you want.

Now that you brought that awareness to the surface, it’s time to forgive the people who said them or yourself for creating the myths that surrounds them. Clearing away your fears, the myths, and mental blocks is the quickest and best way to make it possible for you to be open to manifesting your dreams.

“Keep your mind fixed on what you want in life: not on what you don’t want.”  -Napoleon Hill

Enable your desires with mental imaging

The technique of creative visualization allows you to manifest your desires into the kind of life you want. Many successful and famous people have used the energy of creative visualization to manifest their dreams and get what they want from life. They have tapped into their own inner power, to turn their dreams into reality.

Visualization does these four things to boost your manifestation energy:

1. It stimulates you to take the essential steps making your desired outcomes     happen. The way you feel when visualizing is the way you always want to feel. This is a hugely motivating factor when it comes time to take action.
   
   

2. It energizes the Law of Attraction. The feelings you conjure up are a magnet for the people, situations, and events leading to your deepest desires, fulfilling themselves in your life.
   
   

3. It fires your creative subconscious. Soon you begin to see opportunities for obtaining your desires through “out of the box” solutions. Suddenly, creative ideas will start popping into your head - ways to solve seemingly insurmountable challenges will become obvious.
   
   

4. It prompts your brain to recognize tools to which you will need access if you are to achieve your dream life. Not only that, but it will keep your brain on the lookout for those tools or people who could supply those tools.

Creative visualization is simple to do:

1. Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will be free of interruptions for a few minutes.

2. Close your eyes and relax.

3. Picture in your mind’s eye the life you want to be living. Imagine interacting with the people and things you want to have in your ideal life. See yourself going about your day, doing the things you want to do.

4. Get as specific as possible. Use your five senses to add more texture to the scene. What do you smell, touch, taste, hear? Add all the little details into your visualization and feel how it will feel to live that life.

5. Enjoy! It’s a real treat to spend time visualizing! And it only takes a few minutes a day to do. Just go with the scene each day and allow it to unfold. It doesn’t have to be exactly the same every time. Just enjoy the feelings and roll with it. Do this at least once daily.
   

   
   Be explicit about what you really want!

Before you can receive, you have to determine what you want. You need to let the Universe know exactly what it is that you deeply desire so that It can provide it for you. But when you begin thinking about what you want, you may find it to be more difficult than you expected. Usually, when someone asks us what we want, we can rattle off all manner of things. This may feel different.

You may resist listing out what you want because it feels greedy. When we live in a society that tells us we must work hard to achieve what we want, it can feel uncomfortable to expect to be able to explain what we want and then prepare to receive it. So how do we get clear about what we want?

You are worthy of your own happiness

First of all, we need to believe we are worthy of our own happiness. The things, people or situations you are seeking are what you believe you need to live your ideal life - to live at your happiest. If you don’t believe you deserve your ideal life, receiving it is going to be almost impossible.

Grab up your journal and write down the things you would like to have or experience in each part of your life. This might be home life, career, friendship, success, creativity, etc. Specificity counts here. For example, instead of saying, “I want a new love in my life,” which is vague, write down all of the qualities you are looking for in a partner. Really go all out. Don’t settle for just what’s okay. Write down exactly what your ideal partner will be like.

When you think you’ve written down everything you can think of, close your eyes and imagine a scene between you and this partner. How do they make you feel? What do you see you doing together? Where are you? Doing this will fill in the gaps of what you really want. Most likely you want a feeling - when you are with the love of your life, you want to feel certain ways. What aspects of a person would make you feel that way? You will be amazed at how many additional things you will add to your list once you spend a little time visualizing your ideal - whatever it is.

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Honesty And Integrity; Keeping Your Conscience Clear

This post is the first of six top rated posts I published in 2019. I have made some tweaks and felt they deserved another look.

Integrity and trust

Being honest and having a strong moral compass isn’t easy. However, your life is simpler when you behave with integrity. Others can trust you, and that trust is priceless. Acting with integrity is harder in the short-term, but its value is immeasurable. Daily life steadily becomes simplified when your behavior reflects your integrity.

You are free to feel easy of mind when you choose to live a life of honesty. When your words and actions are in alignment you are a complete person.

Tell your friends the truth in all circumstances. Be gentle and constructive in the telling. Hurt someone unnecessarily and you can lose them. Honesty strengthens your relationships. Although the truth is sometimes difficult to hear, be committed to being a trustworthy ally for the people who mean the most to you.

You can build strong relationships with others too when you tell the truth. Just don’t be surprised to find that there are those people who don’t like to hear the truth.

When you speak honestly, you needn’t worry about relying on memory to recount a situation. Being candid allows you to be consistent in what you say. It strengthens your conviction and shows others that you are a person of principles.

Your word can be relied upon because you ensure that it comes from an honorable place. You always give others the benefit of the doubt when conditions are unclear.

It may be tempting to cover up mistakes, please refrain from doing that. Creating a veil of dishonesty only leads to more dishonesty and that can lead to devastating consequences for your integrity

When you tell the truth, you sleep very well at night. It’s a good feeling to avoid being a prisoner of your own thoughts. You release them in an honest and considerate way. Your heart and soul are at peace because you are truthful but not harsh nor hurtful.

Today, the truth set you free once again. You are blessed to know the value of being honest. You are committed to keeping your words, actions, and behavior in line with your values. You don’t need to be in a position of power to have an impact on others.

Strengthen your integrity using these simple tips.

1.  Work on your personal growth.

Developing yourself is an effective way to strengthen your integrity. When you grow as a human being, you become more comfortable and confident with yourself thereby feeling less need to behave inauthentically.

2.  Reliability.

Be on time, avoid canceling appointments, and do what you say you’re going to do. If you say that you’ll deliver your report by noon on Friday, ensure that it’s done on time. It’s easy to be reliable if you under-promise but that is cheating. Instead, make promises you know you can keep, and you’ll never disappoint anyone.

3.  Be honest with yourself first.

Before you do or say something, question why you’re doing it. What is your real purpose? Are you being self-serving at the expense of others, or are your motives honorable? Self-awareness is a primary component of integrity.

4.  Be real but be honest.

Do people believe that you’re genuine? Do you lie to be comfortable or to pretend that you’re something you aren’t? Remember, honesty isn’t a license to tell a coworker that she’s fat or that her husband looks like a troll. Unless it is relevant to necessity it’s unkind and should be left unsaid.

5.  Let others see you live by your values.

If you’re unaware of your values, now would be a great time to sort them out and list them. Knowing your values makes it simpler to make decisions. It also makes your behavior more predictable, which makes others more comfortable. Know your values and live them each day.

6.  Be willing to say no.

When you say yes to things you don’t want to do, you’re not demonstrating integrity. You’re not obligated to take part in every opportunity that’s presented to you. Valuing your time is smart. Be honest and say no when you mean it.

7.  Become more confident.

Confident people are comfortable. Comfortable people are better able to act with integrity. A lack of integrity is often a response to discomfort. You’re not comfortable meeting your new girlfriend’s parents, so you make up excuses to delay the meeting. You lack the confidence to give a speech at work, so you call out “sick.”

· The more uncomfortable you are each day, the more your integrity will be challenged and suffers. Confidence and self-esteem are the answer. Work on both each day.

8.  Put a stop to doing things you shouldn’t do.

Are you stealing pens and post-it notes from work? Stealing your neighbor’s Sunday paper? Stealing napkins from the fast-food restaurant to stock your kitchen? Do you think those are little things to be ignored? Dishonest in little things dishonest in big. Think about your behavior and adjust accordingly.

9.  Stand up for something.

Most of us have values and opinions of some kind, but few are willing to ever share them, let alone stand up for them. While others won’t always agree with your stances, many will respect you for having them.

Self-Reflection Questions:

1. How do I feel when someone is dishonest with me?

2. When is it most difficult for me to be straightforward with others?

3. What are some lessons I learn from being direct with others?

4. What beliefs do I hold that makes it simple for me to act with integrity?

My final thought.

Live your life with integrity. It certainly is a more challenging way to live on the surface. But living with integrity is simpler over the long haul. The respect and goodwill that you accrue from this steady dependable behavior allow you to experience more success in every facet of your life.

I would be pleased if you were to share this with your family and friends.

Fighting Fair for Couples

It takes time and understanding to manage a loving relationship. Regardless of how much we love each other and work at our romantic relationship, there are bound to be difficulties that lead to arguments. This can be more evident for Seniors who spend a larger amount of time in one another’s company without the buffer of jobs or the raising of a family.

We are two very different people trying to live one life together, after all. When fights do occur, don’t let them descend into a free-for-all. Just like every other “game” in life, there are rules to fighting that everyone in love should abide by if they want to maintain their happy relationship.

We all have to face up to the fact that we will have to begin conversations about touchy subjects throughout life. We may try to put them off for as long as possible because we don’t want to deal with them, but eventually, to keep the relationship healthy, we must.

As the years fly by we often take one another for granted. So, we become careless or neglectful of our partner’s feelings. We often sabotage or damage our partnership without realizing it until later. For some it can be too late.

These nine tips are designed to help couples fight fairly

Choose your timing carefully

It may never feel like the exact right time because you know it’s going to be a difficult conversation to have. Don’t pounce on your partner unexpectedly wanting them to change a long held pattern of behavior. Especially if this is something they have done for years and you are just now addressing this issue.

It can take real self-discipline to hold your tongue when you want to get something worked out right away. It’s better to schedule your conversation for a time when you are both relaxed and feeling well. When both of you are in a good frame of mind to discuss a difficult subject the conversation can end up not as challenging as you expected. If we blurt out our grievance without taking into consideration the mental state of the other person, or have given them no previous warning, we inevitably make the argument much larger than it needs to be.

Use “I” language

We’ve all heard this, but it bears repeating. The other person is immediately on the defensive when a sentence starts with “You do ___ and I don’t like it….”  It’s just human nature because it feels like we are being attacked. But keep in mind that no one can make us feel anything - only we ourselves can do that. So, switch your “you dos” to “I’s.” Say something like, “I feel ___ when you do ___.” It’s not just semantics - to show that you are in control of your feelings. You are focusing on the feelings instead of the behavior you don’t like. This allows the other person feel safe enough to let down their guard and discuss the situation rationally, instead of feeling blamed.

Focus on the now

It’s so easy to get all worked up and start pulling out grievances from months or years past. Most people tend to argue about the same type of issue over and over. For example, money and household responsibilities issues are common, even in the most loving relationships. Take care to avoid bringing up the past. And, if one of these slips out, apologize and come back to the current issue. (Note: if certain past issues continue to rear their ugly heads, it’s likely you have never truly resolved them.)

“At the end of the day, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart or what’s keeping you together.”  - Anonymous

Never say never

This connects with the tip above. When you start throwing around words like always and never which are all encompassing, you know you are in dangerous territory. It’s usually an overstatement that simply escalates the fighting and does not accomplish anything or rectify the situation.

Discounting their feelings

We do this when we argue about the way they say they feel. Things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way because I didn’t mean it like that.” or getting angry when they share their feelings, even in a non-accusatory way can make the other person feel like their feelings don’t matter to you. Feelings are real. Obviously, you can’t maintain a firm connection with another person when they think their feelings are unimportant to you. Our feelings are our reality, and everyone’s reality is different because the way we experience things is different. Take care to avoid making your loved one believe they are wrong for having the experience that they are.

Believing one of you is right and the other is wrong

We live in a world of dichotomies. If something is wrong, something else must be right. But just as we explained above, everyone experiences the same situations differently based on our upbringing and background. These things shape the way we view situations. Many times, no one is right or wrong. We just need to come together long enough to understand that we don’t see things the same way and that there is nothing wrong in that. We can still have a strong committed relationship despite our differing views of reality.

Keep your feelings in check

Allow enough time to have passed so that you aren’t as emotional or angry as you originally were. When we bring a heavy dose of emotion into a difficult situation, it only amplifies everything - the words, thoughts, and feelings of everyone involved. The wrong words or a strong tone of voice can feel like an attack Before you bring up the topic, make sure that you can discuss it as objectively as possible. It will make the whole thing go more smoothly.

Listen without thinking

When it’s the other person’s turn to explain their side of the story or version of the situation, keep your thoughts clear. Really hear what they are saying to you. To do that, you must refrain from thinking about how you will respond when they are finished. We do this frequently in all types of conversations, and we should do our best to avoid it. But it’s never more important than when we are having a difficult conversation with someone we care about.

Understand that conflict happens

Even in the closest, most loving relationships, conflict is going to occur sometimes. If you have built a strong, healthy relationship with the other person, don’t let your fears of losing them run away with you. Strong relationships can tolerate the occasional argument or uncomfortable talk. It’s much better than the alternative, which is to bottle up anger and hurt, which results in a build-up of resentment. And we all know what happens when things build to a boiling point, they explode. Don’t let your loving relationship be swept away in that explosion.

For more information about what to expect if you Divorce After 20 Years of Marriage or More take a look at this post from the Equitable Mediation Services blog.

If you know anyone who could benefit from this information, please share this post with them.

Tips For Developing Your Daily Optimism

 Negative Thoughts Sap Your Optimism

Despite your best intentions, it’s not always easy to take an optimistic view of life. Negative thinking can creep into your mind, and before you realize it, your mindset is sabotaging you.

1.     Comparing your life with others

Try to avoid comparing your life and achievements with other people. Your life has a value of its own. You can be sure that if you envy your friends or colleagues weddings, PhDs, babies, or luxury holidays, other people envy your accomplishments too.

2.     Having negative self-worth

Do a quick review of your self-talk. Chances are there will be quite a few negatives in there. Practice catching yourself the next time you start thinking badly of yourself. You can do without that kind of self-sabotage!

3.     Thinking you don’t have time

We all get the same amount of time. Twenty-four/seven is the maximum, so make sure you use your time to do the things you want to do, as well the things you must do. If you have a pet project or skill you want to learn, then prioritize it in your schedule.

4.     Underestimating yourself

You can do pretty much whatever you want. Deciding that you can’t do something before you even try is de-energizing and demotivating. What is your secret, passionate goal? What do you need to do to get there?  

5.     Using delaying tactics

There are a whole bunch of sneaky delaying tactics that on the surface appear to be good sense. Saving a certain amount of money, or losing weight before you try a new project, is just another way of saying you can’t do it now.

6 Ways to Cultivate Optimism Each Day

You might be surprised to hear that optimism is not an innate quality. Optimism and pessimism are ways of looking at yourself and the world through a positive or negative filter.  Once you think of them as reflections of your mindset, it becomes much easier to believe you can change. Like any new behavior, you need to practice every day for it to become a habit.  

1.     Keep a journal

Journaling or keeping a diary allows you to process events and to get a different perspective on them. It encourages self-reflection and captures insights into your thinking and behavior. You can write down what happened during your day and document, not just the bald facts but how you did it, what you did to make it happen and what you did right. And, importantly, how it felt while you were doing it. Don’t just record the good things (a promotion, a presentation or meeting that went well), remember to write down the thing that didn’t go so well and reflect on what happened, how you dealt with it, and what you might do differently next time.

2.     Laugh

Consciously notice the funny side of things and write them down. If the technology didn’t work, and you had to give the presentation without the slide deck, or the power went out, or there was a fire drill in the middle of your crucial meeting. What can seem like a disaster at the time can also be looked back on as a comedy of errors.

3.     Write to your future

Write a letter or a journal entry that sets out the future you want. What job are you doing? Are you running your own business? What have you learned? What has changed? Imagining how your future life looks and feels can be a powerful motivator.

4.     Keep a kindness list

Have a page in your journal where you note down kind gestures. Write down when you are kind to someone, or when someone is kind to you. Even little things count, like opening a door for someone or letting them go first in the line for coffee. You’ll be surprised at how quickly they mount up, and your ever-lengthening list will give you a different perspective on things.

5.     Say thank you

Write a letter or email, phone or visit someone (a person outside your family) who has been genuinely kind to you. Tell them how much you appreciate what they did or said and how it has affected your life.

6.     Choose positivity

Make the positive choice to develop and maintain an optimistic outlook. Do this every morning when you wake up. Decide that today is going to be a great day. Everyone will have some level of suffering in their life. Choosing to be optimistic will make it easier to bounce back from the bad times and to enjoy and be certain of the good times.

“Optimism doesn’t wait on facts. It deals with prospects.”

— Norman Cousins

5 Benefits of Daily Optimism

There is increasing evidence that being optimistic about life has measurable benefits, not just for your mental health, but your physical well-being too. Scientific studies have shown that as you become more optimistic, your life will improve in all sorts of ways. You’re even likely to have a longer life, just from being more hopeful and positive.

1.     Optimists are healthier

Optimists not only rate their own health and well-being as better, but studies have also shown that optimists have better mental and physical health than pessimists. In a study of the effects of positive psychological well-being, optimism was found to be the biggest predictor of improved heart health. Optimists also have lower blood pressure and cholesterol and a lower risk of developing heart disease.

2.     Optimists live longer

A study by the University of Pittsburgh found that of the 100,000 women studied over eight years, optimists were less likely to die from any cause than women with a more pessimistic outlook.  That was confirmed by a later Harvard study that showed the women who had a positive outlook had a much lower risk (nearly 30% less) of dying from serious illnesses.

3.     Optimists are happier

It might seem obvious that an optimist would be happier than a pessimist. But, it has been shown that optimists are not just sunnier in their dispositions, but they are measurably happier in their relationships, jobs, and life in general. They deal better with stress, are more resilient in bad times, and produce less cortisol, the stress hormone that leads to inflammation and a lowered immune system.

4.     Optimists have smoother career paths

Researchers from Duke University found that the optimistic MBA graduates they studied were more likely to find a job, earn a higher starting salary, and have more frequent promotions than the pessimists in the group. Optimists also deal better with negative feedback, seeing it as an opportunity to improve and increase their chance of promotion in the future.

5.     Optimists roll with the punches

Life’s adversities do not crush an optimist; they remain hopeful about the future. Optimism helps you deal with whatever limiting beliefs you have developed and shows you a way out. Being positive about life’s possibilities means you focus on what you can do. It boosts your confidence and makes you more likely to look for constructive solutions. It stops you feeling stuck or at the mercy of other people. If you’re optimistic, you know you can do it!

4 Tips to Develop Daily Optimism

Optimism is a learned skill like any other skill or habit you want to develop. Having an optimistic attitude of yourself, of life and the world can have a huge impact on your mental well-being and resilience, even boosting your immune system and lowering your blood pressure. Studies have shown that optimists have better career prospects and live longer happier lives. 

1.     Identify as an optimist

Self-talk is powerful! Start telling people you’re an optimist, and you’ll soon begin to believe it, and forget you were ever even slightly pessimistic. It never hurts to Act How You Want to Feel.

2.     Accentuate the positives

Notice and acknowledge the positive things around you. Small things like having good food, clean water, and being able to read this article for example. A good exercise is to list ten things you’re grateful for every day – they don’t have to be big things, jot down whatever comes to mind.  

3.     Shift your focus

Optimism is dynamic and forward-looking. Develop a more optimistic outlook by moving on from the past and instead enjoy the present and actively look forward to the future. Optimists also don’t spend much time dwelling on whatever not-so-good things are in their lives. They acknowledge that bad things happen to everyone, and when bad things do happen, it’s not necessarily their fault. Bad times come, and bad times go, it can’t rain forever. And, good times usually happen just as often.

4.     Don’t get hung up on one outcome

Putting all your eggs in one basket is risky, and it’s highly likely you will be disappointed. It’s also harder to pick up and move on if things don’t work out. An optimist will be flexible about outcomes and see that there are many different ones.

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This is What Scientists Say About Mindfulness and Optimism

You’ve probably heard or read a lot about mindfulness lately. Mindfulness is a way of living your life consciously, being aware of what you’re doing and why and why you should be more present in the moment. To live mindfully is an aspect of creating an optimistic view of yourself and the world. Mindfulness and optimism are connected but not the same.

Scientists agree that your mindset and whether you tend to be pessimistic or optimistic is something you can change. Only about 25% of optimism is inheritable, with the rest influenced by the environment where you grew up. And if your home environment was dysfunctional or tense, you are more likely to develop a pessimistic mindset. But it is not an innate part of you, and you can change it. Once you realize that you are not hard-wired for pessimistic thinking, it becomes easier to allow yourself to make that change.

“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

— Winston Spencer Churchill

Mindset is something that’s relatively easy to change. When you can step back and see how your mind was programmed, you then have the ability to take back control and hit the reset. Research has shown that there’s a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) that acts as a kind of control center and filters information from the outside world according to your current settings. And if you tune into to negativity, that’s what you will receive. But just as you can adjust your email to prioritize and filter messages, you can reset your RAS to help increase your optimism and filter out negativity. What you are doing in essence is training your brain to notice what YOU want it to notice. And practicing mindfulness can help you do just that.

For more information on mindfulness take a look at one of my previous posts.

10 Best Reasons For You To Become Mindful

Mindfulness and meditation are complementary techniques that will help you build a strong basis for optimism. Studies have shown that mindfulness practices can help you:

Remain in the present

Negativity is often fostered by brooding on past events and wishing you had done things differently. Mindfulness focuses your attention on what’s happening in the here and now. An optimistic view of the world stays in the present and looks forward to a bright future.

Re-framing

Mindfulness gives you the mental space to be able to re-frame problems as challenges and opportunities. You have a choice about how you want to react to the circumstances you find yourself in now. Choosing to be optimistic will help you solve those problems and find creative solutions as well as not be overwhelmed by them.

Healthy Improvement

Optimism and mindfulness have been scientifically proven to improve your health! People who practice mindfulness and who have an optimistic approach to life have:

·        lower cholesterol

·        lower blood pressure

·        stronger immune systems

·        better resilience to deal with stress

·        less anxiety and depression

·        more positive relationships

·        improved focus