Learn How To Say No

Learn to say no as a part of better self-care

There are too many nice people in the world today…or so it might seem, with the number of “yes” folks you run into on a daily basis. However, what about the lesser heard “evil sibling”, the word “NO”?

As a child, you were raised to be considerate to others, and to accommodate them as much as possible.

How do you know exactly when enough is enough? And more importantly, are you saying no to yourself by saying yes to others every time? Chances are that is exactly what you are doing, even if only subliminally.

A no to others is a yes to yourself.

Wondering when is the time for you to use your no’s effectively? Take a look and see.

Adding to your stress

Not being able to say no can greatly contribute to elevated stress and really quickly! Doing too much fuels feelings of overwhelm that cause chronic stress, and people who cannot say no are usually the first to fall victim.

It is important to understand your own boundaries and limitations, and while helping others is important, you absolutely must take care of yourself first.

This means sometimes saying no to friends and family, in order to maintain an optimal level of energy, health, and wellness for yourself.

Feeling you must

This is by far the most common cause of resentment in persons, since you are basically “forced” to say yes whether or not you want to. Maybe the person asking did a major favor for you in life, maybe it is a family member.

You feel a sense of obligation to always be at the beck and call for whatever that person requests of you, but you need to ask yourself “when is my bill paid in full?” will you continue to feel a forced sense of obligation forever?

This constant obligatory situation builds resentment, and resentment can literally make you physically ill!

You need to let them know you have to put yourself first, by doing what you need to do. If an issue arises, it may be best to sever ties and remove a toxic person from your life.

Staying up too late

Though it is fully understandable the need to unwind after a tiring week’s work, there is absolutely no justification for staying out late and drinking on a weekday when you have responsibilities to meet the next morning! It is more than likely the result of friends asking or guilting you out even though your better judgement says no.

You’re not doing yourself any favors as you will be sleep deficient the following day, not to mention likely hungover and miserable. Saying yes to that, is saying no to your well-being.

Enabling bad behavior

It has happened to all of us before, from your child asking for something, hearing no and slowly breaking you down, to much worse influences on your life.

From friends begging you for a loan, to unnecessary spending, while it may seem OK or insignificant at the time, it enables bad behavior and disrespect over the long haul.

When you say no, it needs to stay that way. You will gain infinite respect for having unbend-able beliefs and will be looked at as a pillar of strength.

Doormat behavior

There have undoubtedly been numerous times when you sat quietly seething while something (or someone) boils your blood to the point of an eruption, yet you show no outward emotions. This can range from a boss berating you in the office, a bully, or a random stranger who finds it appropriate to assert their dominance over you.

By allowing it, you are doing just that, rolling over and assuming the fetal position. Open your mouth, demand your respect and speak for what you believe in.

 “You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.”  -Lori Deschene

When you must temper your “NO”

Being agreeable

You want to be as helpful as possible at work. People are always coming up to you to ask for your help. Your boss gives you tasks because she knows you’ll get the work done on time. Your colleagues hit you up because you are one of the most knowledgeable people on staff. The trouble is, you then have a difficult time getting your own work done. When this happens, you need to learn how to say no.

There are ways to say no that won’t make you seem like the bad person. One great way to do this is to let people know you have other tasks and that you can get to their tasks after you complete yours.

Not when they are lazy

It is fine to help people out, but you should avoid doing their jobs for them. If someone asks you to do something simply because they don’t feel like doing it, you need to take a stand and tell them this is unacceptable. You should begin by asking why they can’t get to it. Perhaps someone else has given them more tasks to do. You need to show them how to say no to those other people.

Some people are, simply put… slackers. They try to pass off all their work to other people. When you find one of these people, confront them. If you do this early on, they will lose the control. This also demonstrates to your other colleagues that you won’t let a slacker have control, and they should follow suit.

Compromise is good

You’ll have a tougher time telling your boss no. She’s the boss after all. However, you do need to let her know that your plate is full and try to compromise. See if you can get a priority of the extra tasks your boss is piling on. Also, if others on the team are currently freed up from their tasks, see if they would be willing to take on those extra duties.

Keep your cool

It’s important to never become angry when others approach you with more work. Smile and find out why they are hitting you up for the extra work. It could be they are not aware of your schedule. You can produce your to-do list if this is the case.

By staying calm, you keep the control in your corner. If you blow up at people, they are going to consider you volatile which makes it difficult for them to compromise with you. It’s rarely a situation in which you will come up the winner. It is okay to be firm with people when you discover they are simply trying to pass work off to you.

Conclusion

“NO” is not a bad word. It has been criminalized via society and the illusion that things must be OK all the time. You will only end up feeling put upon by others, and resenting yourself for being weak, and not ever doing what you want to do by allowing others to always walk all over you. You need to look after yourself before you look after anyone else after all, and lead by example!

 Please share this with your friends.

Why We Fail To Achieve Our New Year Resolutions

We all have areas where we want to improve ourselves; health, work, family, you name it. But reality sets in along with a busy schedule that doesn’t leave any space for a new goal. We also rarely have the persistence needed to see it through. Or maybe we just don’t know where or how to start.

The statistics of those who keep their New Year resolutions is pretty sad. None the less, for those who make the effort and persevere they will find value in the trying.

Resolutions maintained:

·         Past the first week: 75%

·         Past two weeks: 71%

·         After one month: 64%

·         After six months: 46%

We tend to think of failure as something shameful or undesirable because it makes us feel like crap. Understandably, failing to achieve a goal is often cause for negative feelings, no matter how big or small that goal was.

But those feelings can be changed when we understand failure is part of the process of success and teaches valuable lessons if we know how to learn from it.

Three ways to redefine failure and learn from it effectively.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes

Learning from your mistakes is about more than just thinking about what went wrong. It’s about clarity, the chance to see why a particular thing doesn’t work.

Think about it

Mistakes are not just a natural part of embarking on a new project; but also part of the human experience. As such, they should be accepted as necessary steps toward achieving your goals.

Intelligent mistakes

Having the freedom to make mistakes increases creativity. Without unnecessary pressures to avoid mistakes a creative solution to the problem can often be found.

Whatever the source of the mistake, removing any negative feelings about it and re-framing it as a source of new knowledge is the first step toward learning from failure effectively.

But what's next?

Rethink your approach to your resolution

Now that you're looking at the mistake without judgment, think of how you got into the situation.

If your dedication and focus decreased at any time, make note of it and try to find the cause. Identifying the internal and external causes that affected your resolve helps you prepare to meet them in the future.

In some cases, discussing the failure with someone you trust can help you see the issues from a different perspective. Rely on your support network to pinpoint what went wrong and how you could prevent it.

Plan ahead

Identifying what caused the mistake is not enough to prevent it in the future. You need to take steps to prevent that mistake from happening again.

If your goal was to write a novel in six months, you've probably identified a few reasons why you couldn't achieve it - lack of time, insufficient planning, or lack of motivation.

But what can you do to prevent those issues from getting in the way of your goal in the future? In our example, you could scale down the scope of the novel, spend more time planning the story, or set a specific time to write undisturbed.

In summary, failure is not permanent. By accepting failure, analyzing its causes and defining how you can eliminate those causes, you're on your way to achieving your goals.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

Neil Gaiman

An individualized growth/goal plan can help you achieve the vision you have of yourself. It’s something we need to consciously think about and strive toward. If you don’t plan your own development and growth, no one else will.

4 Steps you can take for an easy-to-implement, personalized plan.

1. Know yourself honestly

In order to plan for the future, you have to reflect on your past experiences, your weaknesses and strengths; they’ve made you who you are today. You also have to clarify your own unique values, such as integrity, respect for others, leadership, honesty. Your values define your stance. Moreover, there are several important questions you have to ask yourself:

• What do I want to become in life?

• What are my achievements up until now?

• What are my personal goals?

• What are my career ambitions?

• What steps have I taken to pursue these goals and ambitions?

2. Develop your vision

Once you’ve asked and answered these questions, you’ll have a clear vision of who you are and what you want out of life. This takes us to the second step; developing your vision. How does your new resolution/goal fit into your overall life and personal growth? A smart tip is to provide yourself with several options to reach your next goal.

That way, if something goes wrong or you face an obstacle, you can switch to another path. Be flexible in your planning because life often intervenes in unexpected ways.

Another point people tend to not pay attention to is what they aren’t willing to do. This shares equal importance with what you will do.

3. Assess your present-day situation

Putting your strengths to good use will harness your energy levels so that it’s utilized efficiently. You can set up milestones along the way because smaller goals give you the motivation and drive you need to get to the big ones. And each time you reach a milestone or achieve one of the small goals, reward yourself for your hard work.

4. Review your progress

Each project needs to be reviewed and assessed, and your exclusive growth plan is no different. You can do it on a monthly basis, or every couple of months, whatever feels comfortable for you. But it’s crucial that you take a step back and look at all the hard work you’ve accomplished.

Check to see if you’ve left anything out or missed any deadlines. Maybe the mini-goals you set up no longer fit your criteria any longer, and they need tweaking or readjusting. Reflect on your experience and consider everything you’ve learned. This will ensure that you keep moving forward according with your long-term plan and the vision you’ve set up for yourself.

On a final note, you can draw up the perfect plan but if you don’t follow through, you won’t get anywhere. Everyone needs practice to develop and grow, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone. Having something to strive toward can renew your self-confidence and that increases your passion for life.

If you know someone who could use this information please share it with them.

Using Self-Reflection To Your Advantage

Self-Reflection Can Make You Happier, More Successful, and Produce Inner Growth

Reflection is such a good method for looking at what you have accomplished and how. Personal or working life it doesn’t matter. Most of us have successes and goals met but we also shoulder some disappointment for those things we fell short in doing.

Self-reflection appears to be a dying art. People either feel they don’t have the time or that it’s a waste of time. Others are afraid to take a good, long, hard look at themselves. This is a mistake, because there is so much to be gained by examining yourself and your past.

Self-reflection provides many advantages that can make life easier:

1 | You learn about yourself. Most people are shockingly low in self-awareness. Some people are too busy, or at least they think they are. Others would prefer to distract themselves rather than spend one second in self-reflection.

However, there’s much to be learned by taking a few minutes each day and reviewing your day, the choices you made, the positives and the negatives.

When you know yourself, you can make better plans that utilize your strengths and avoid your weaknesses.

Recognizing your weaknesses and dealing with them is powerful. You can stop shooting yourself in the foot over and over.

2 | You learn from your past. If you look at the biggest mistakes you’ve made over your life, you’ll find they’re surprisingly similar. You may have either spent money you couldn’t afford, got involved with someone you shouldn’t, or made poor decisions to get away from stressful situations.

If you’ve never taken the time to review these mistakes, you’ve repeated them.

Reviewing the past can also help you to identify what works, and then you can advantageously repeat those actions.

3 |Take intelligent, thoughtful action. Many people are very action oriented and avoid “wasting” time on thinking too much. Rather than just jumping in with both feet, it can be incredibly helpful to spend some time thinking and strategizing.

Reflect on what you actually want to accomplish for yourself. Ask yourself a few questions and use the answers wisely.

“Sometimes you have to look back in order to understand the things that lie ahead.”

— Yvonne Woon

Graham Gibbs is an academic who studies self-reflection. He developed a six-step process to aid in self-reflection. This process can be used as a guide to help you get into the swing of things.

Use Mr. Gibbs’ process to examine your past and present: 

1. What happened? This is simple enough. Describe the event to yourself. “I dropped out of college.”
   

2. What was I thinking and feeling? What were you thinking at the time? What did you think afterwards? “I was stressed and failing. I felt a sense of relief when I first dropped out, but then I felt a sense of dread and felt lost.”
   

3. What was good or bad about the experience? “I gained free time and my stress was relieved. But, now I don’t have a plan for my future and my job prospects are much more limited.”
   

4. How does this affect the various parts of my life? What does it say about me? “My personal and career development is stifled. My significant other is upset with me and threatening to leave. My parents kicked me out of the house and told me to find a job. This suggests that I am impulsive and handle stress poorly.”
   

5. What else could I have done? “Talked to a friend. Spoken to my professors. Sought professional help. Learned meditation or yoga. Lightened my course load.”
   

6. If this happened again, how would I handle it? “I would consider the long-term implications instead of just the short. I would get the help I need. I wouldn’t consider quitting to be a viable option.”

Although thinking about the past means looking back, there is value in it for moving your path forward. Reflection produces growth that makes each forward step more informed.

At the end of each day, or at least once a week, reflect on your experiences. When you stop to assess your response to things, you will learn valuable details about yourself. Consider the impact of your actions and take away lessons on how to act in the future.

You grow spiritually when you focus on the wellness of your soul. Spending time meditating on past highs and lows connects you to your true inner self.

Your growth as a friend and loved one is evident when you take time to recall others’ observations of you. The perspective of the special people in your life is valuable to your development. These are the people who walk hand in hand with you along the road of life.

When another birthday rolls around, compare your current self to your former self. Take some time to assess your evolution and identify any newfound strengths. It is exciting to see that growth from year to year.

Self-reflection is a useful tool that’s free to learn and apply. Imagine being able to leverage your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, and avoid repeating your mistakes.

You can make good use of those painful events from your past. Spend a few minutes each day and apply a little self-reflection. You’ll be happy with the results.

If you haven’t spent much time on reflection, the time is perfect right now. You still have time to really dig into how this year was for you. The good and the not so good. Now is the time to put these suggestions to work. See if identifying your strengths and using a rinse and repeat method for those actions, will move you toward your personal and professional goals in the coming New Year.

If you liked this post please share it with everyone you believe can benefit.

Begin Your New Career No Schooling Necessary

Some retirees think that going back to school to learn something new is the only answer to beginning a new career. That’s no longer true. Unless you have a driving passion and an overwhelming desire to spend time in a classroom, you can begin an online career right away.

You’ll make the leap from having a boss and a 9 to 5 schedule to being your own boss and setting your own hours. After many years at a job, that’s commonly what retirees long for most. If you don’t have a degree – don’t worry. You don’t need one.

What you will need is your knowledge and experience that you’ve garnered over time and a passion for something you can turn into an online business. You won’t need a large amount of startup cash.

In fact, establishing an online business can be started on a shoestring budget and embellished and expanded later when you’re making money. Many retirees begin their new online careers by setting up a blog.

A blog is based on a subject you know well and have had some experience in. It could be based on the hobby that you love or your travels. Travel blogs are very popular with retirees who always wanted to travel, but never had the time or money.

You can share your travel experiences with others who love to travel on your blog. You’ll write short articles about what you’ve experienced and offer tips and advice on the areas you visit, where to stay, or even what and how to pack.

Be sure that you write about relevant subjects that are truly helpful and real. You’ll build an audience of followers that are anxious to read your blogs to see what exciting adventures you’re off to now.

“You don’t need to be a genius or a visionary, or even a college graduate for that matter, to be successful. You just need a framework and a dream.”

— Michael Dell

You can even go as far out as to have a blog about potty-training puppies. It seems that almost every family (and individuals) has at least one dog in their house and if you have some tips up your sleeve about dogs, they’ll read your blogs.

When you begin to get an audience for your blog, you’ll want to look in to setting up links to products offered by other bloggers that will enhance what you offer. These will be your affiliate links and you will set up links to their websites.

Your followers who click on the links in your blog can purchase products that you recommend – and you get a commission each time they buy. When you have products to purchase, those affiliates might link to your site and send their website traffic your way.

Make sure you like the products you’re recommending or you’ll lose your audience’s trust. So if you have an interest or passion that has followed you throughout your life (and career), look at starting an online business that will give you an outlet for doing what you love while providing an extra income.

Not everyone is cut out for additional schooling. As a retiree, you can use the knowledge and experiences you’ve gained over the years to start another career – and this time, be your own boss.

For additional information I suggest you check out Melyssa Griffin’s blog post:

How + Why You Should think Beyond Your Blog If You Want To Monetize Your Site

Don't Be Beaten By Your Doubtful Mindset

You’re approaching retirement at breakneck speed. Where have the years gone? You’ve been told this is supposed to be your time, so why aren’t you looking forward to it? What will you do now to fill a few hours and keep your mind sharp?

Plagued by Self-Doubt

Seniors near to or well in to their retirement years are sometimes plagued with self-doubt. It’s not difficult to be mired in doubt when you see that you’re being replaced by incredibly young and inexperienced workers.

Age Discrimination

Many career paths have become discriminatory and have developed an ageism mindset. Fortunately, retirees no longer need worry about getting another job where that mindset is common. The internet offers a new way for you to succeed.

Retirement Income

Retirees have many things to worry about. Most are all too aware that their retirement income won’t be enough to pay all the bills – so a job isn’t a luxury – it’s a necessity. More and more retirees are finding that setting up an online business can free them from that worry.

Technology

Some of you may believe that the technological aspects will have you beaten from the outset. This is untrue. With most things on the internet being point and click it’s become very simple for anyone to have an online business.

Learning the Steps

There are hundreds of technological tutorials that can walk you through each and every thing you need to know about setting up, establishing, and making money with your own online business.

Experience or Hobby

In the world of internet businesses, you can establish another career path built on your experience – or perhaps the hobby you’ve enjoyed for years and have become proficient in – like traveling or gardening.

“You are never too old to set a new goal or dream a new dream.”

— C.S. Lewis

Confidence

After you decide how you want your online business to represent you, you can begin with confidence rather than worrying about whether you have the skills and knowledge to compete.

Business Set Up

Best of all, setting up an online business won’t eat into your retirement nest egg. It takes a very small amount of cash for you to set up an online business initially. Many retirees actually set up their businesses before they retire.

No Leases

This gives you a chance to have your business up and running and even making money before the day comes when you can no longer depend on a paycheck that covers all of your expenses. There’s no expense for leasing a business space or office because your office is your laptop.

Set Your Own Hours

Your office can be wherever there’s an internet connection – sitting on your patio or in a small café in Paris. Set your own hours and take it easy for a change. Sleep in when you choose or visit your grandchildren for a while.

Learn From the Best

You’ll find there are mountains of information tutorials out there. Just make sure that you learn from the best and most successful online marketers. There’s a lot of false or misleading information, so take your time – play around with it – and set your business up properly.

To Your Success

If you’re looking at retirement in a few months or years, take some time to dream and transform your life during the retirement years by starting your own online business and becoming your own boss. Don’t doubt your future success – you can do it.

Here are 27 Easy to Start Online Business Ideas to get you thinking.

Lessons I learned From The Titanic

Yes, I did, I said that.

I know I will as like as not receive a ration of sh** for this post. Oh well. I am accustomed to the eye-rolls people shoot me when I mention Titanic (you Titaniacs out there know exactly what I'm talking about).

My Grandmother took me to see The Unsinkable Molly Brown when I was five. Now Debbie Reynold's as Molly, was only on Titanic and in that lifeboat for about 15 minutes. But I was permanently hooked. To my five year old mind I thought here is a woman who lived her life large, talked about and splashy. Yet, when it was most important she urged the women of her boat to row for warmth and helped to keep their spirits high.

Titanic’s lessons are hindsight learned and full of what ifs. If you are interested in learning more about Titanic there are books (way too numerous to mention) to read and movies to watch. So in keeping with the approaching 106th anniversary this is some of what I have learned from Titanic.

Make a Splash In Your Life –

The days are long but the years are short so make them count. That can be in a huge noisy way that affects many people on a grand scale. Maybe you have built the better mousetrap everyone wants to buy or you just want to help people. If you are the quiet type maybe your impact reaches a handful of close family and friends only.

Your Life Is a Journey –

Don’t rush through it. Making memories takes time. Savor the experience of people following along the same path with you. Revel in the time you have with those whom you briefly meet. Enjoy the sights and sounds as you go along.  It’s better to see half as much and remember it than to see twice as much and remember nothing.

Heed the Signs –

Things can and do happen out of the blue sometimes and we are not prepared for them. Sometimes we bury our heads in the sand and want to believe nothing bad will happen to us. Either way you need to take some kind of precautions and heed whatever signs you are given.

You Are Not Alone –

Sure, you should try to do some things on your own. But when you have tried or just know it's too hard to go it alone. Ask for help. As a general rule people want to help you. It makes them feel better about themselves. Give help when you are asked for it. And especially when you are not asked and you see a need that you can address.

Be Strong And Persevere –

You don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you just get what you get, and you have to make the best of it. These people are very strong because it's never easy to make the best of a bad situation. Yet, it’s the strongest of people who consistently persevere, who view obstacles as challenges and find new ways of going around them or over them. We call these people winners because they have made that choice.

I do have one book recommendation for you if you have no idea where to start reading about Titanic. You can't go wrong with Walter Lord's "A Night To Remember." It's a straight forward un-embellished account of what happened on April 14 1912 when Ship meets iceberg.

I hope you have enjoyed this post. Drop me a reply so I know if I should write more of these life lesson type posts.   

How To Know You Are An Introvert

Our world is naturally extrovert-centric, and up until very recently, introverts got a bad rap. Naturally, introverts often feel the need to pretend to be extroverted more than they really are so they aren’t ridiculed by their friends for being a party-pooper or more necessarily so because they live and work in an extrovert-centric world. But after a while, you may have forgotten who you truly are and wonder why some things seem so difficult for you. Here’s a list of six behaviors that prove you are an introvert. If you have friends or family who are introverted please share this post with them.

You feel like a fraud when networking -

Textbook introverts are uncomfortable making small talk, which is a vital part of networking activities. If you feel something akin to a used car salesman no matter what the networking event is or feel you have nothing of interest to add to the conversation, or just dislike being put on the spot, you may be an introvert posing as an extrovert.

You feel out of place, even among a large group of friends -

Introverts much prefer one on one conversation rather than conversations with large groups, even if the group is full of friends. They often find the topic of conversation dull or not worth jumping in and talking about. However, when they are chatting with just one person, they can sway the topic of conversation to something that excites them. Still, you will find the introvert one of the first to leave the party when they have had enough.

You get overstimulated rather than bored -

A good description of an introvert shows they are rarely bored because there’s always something new and exciting to think about. They may have several projects that they are interested in, though they tend to focus on only one at a time. They love being by themselves and find solitary pastimes to be especially invigorating.  They do, however, get overstimulated when there’s too much going on.

You’ve been told you are intense -

A problem common to introverts is they enjoy jumping right into the deep pool of conversation. They feel idle chit-chat is a waste of time and energy and will start a conversation off with a deeply philosophical comment or question. This can freak out an extrovert who just wants to have a good time. Yet, in social situations, introverts often attach themselves to a trusted extrovert who makes it easier for them to meet new people and engage in the necessary small talk.

You shut down when over-stimulated -

When there’s too much going on all around an introvert, they head for the hills to hide. When that’s not possible, they simply shut down. This zoning out gives their brains a break - it’s a mental retreat they take if a physical one isn’t possible. When you can, you avoid being over-stimulated by saying no to things you know will drain you or make you feel uncomfortable.

You don’t run to answer your calls or respond to texts -

Introverts don’t like to be interrupted when they are thinking or working. Since they aren’t the gregarious folks that extroverts are, they have to be in the mood to talk to people. If they don’t feel like it when someone calls or texts them, they will allow the call go to voicemail and deal with the text at a later time. If you do this, it doesn’t mean you don’t like the person, but that you are in a rejuvenating space and need to be alone. You’ll catch up with them later.

Further reading:

• 10 Things You Need To Know If You Love an Introvert

• How to Know If You Are An Introvert Or Extrovert

• How to Know If You’re An Introvert

If you hadn’t guessed I am the quintessential introvert. Over the years I have noticed some patterns of the behavior have become easier while others are more difficult. For instance, it is harder for me to leave the house than it once was. Once I am out though, I find I can talk to anyone, where before I spoke to no one. 

If this post resonates with you and you see yourself in any of these behaviors let me know which ones. Yes, I am curious. And I am also buoyed by the knowledge that so many of us who are introverts own it proudly these days. Included in this number is Steven Spielberg, Mahatma Gandhi, Bill Gates, and Eleanor Roosevelt just to name a few.