Gram’s Wisdom 37

Independence is an ability that not everyone is born with and even those who can have it are unwillingly suppressed. Of course, everyone must become somewhat independent as they grow up towards adulthood, but it’s much easier for some people to embrace their independence than others. Avoiding independence as an adult creates difficulties in many areas of your life, especially as you enter business and romantic relationships. Learning to be your own strongest supporter is crucial to success in any area of your life.

The Consequence of Independence.

Gram told me that it’s hard for people to comprehend that they, themselves, are responsible for all the incidents in their lives. Many people will argue that point, they believe that things happen to them. But the truth is the choices you make structure your life. Your decisions inform your direction. Being realistic about this is healthy and necessary. If you know you can rely on, and take total care of yourself, you can accomplish anything.

My Gram was widowed at 28 and raised 6 children under the age of 8. She knew a thing or two about standing on your own two feet. She assured me that standing on your own is as much willpower as education. Once, Gram told me that learning to stand on your own two feet isn’t about asserting that dependence is always an unattractive or undesirable trait. Gram said it is healthy to be able to believe in others.

What you don’t want to do is place your potential for happiness in someone else’s hands, or under someone else’s control. She said you want to form your own opinions about who you are, not rely on someone else’s treatment of you to tell you whether you are a good person.

 She called that an unhealthy dependence and felt it was harmful to a relationship. In other words, you should never depend on someone else to do for you, what you should do for yourself.

How can I be an independent, not a codependent person?

When you become overly dependent on someone, or codependent, you become a burden. Some personality types may enjoy having a codependent relationship - but these are not healthy personalities, and they do not result in healthy relationships. Instead, you should strive for healthy independence in your life because it gives you many choices that collectively can create a successful, fulfilling life.

You must learn to trust your judgment, make your own decisions, and not second guess yourself. There is great strength in being able to decide for yourself and not having to rely on anyone else for validation of the choices you make. When you do this, you build healthy self-esteem, you become a stronger person, and you become the type of person that others look up to.

One of the healthiest things you can do is learn to be by yourself and enjoy your own company. Don’t be afraid to go to a restaurant, art gallery, or movie alone. Don’t be afraid to go anywhere alone! Learn to appreciate being by yourself, even if you’re surrounded by people. Take walks alone. Go to the park alone and read a book. Go to the beach alone and listen to the waves. Learn to make your own life an adventure, independent of anyone else.

Four tips for becoming more independent.

1. External Forces - Becoming free from external forces allows you to make your own decisions and be satisfied with the outcome. If you have healthy self-esteem, you will rely on yourself for decisions and choices. You won’t look at others for validation, and you won’t constantly be worried about second-guessing yourself. You’ll have an intelligent basis for your choices, and you won’t be swayed by culture, society, religion, or upbringing. You will be free to think for yourself in all instances.

2. Internal Reactions - When you are free from internal reactions, you aren’t emotionally reactive. You have reasoned responses to situations rather than emotional knee-jerk reactions. You think about things. You weigh options, benefits, and drawbacks. You educate yourself to make good judgments. And you’ll direct your life in such a way that you will experience happiness instead of regret.

3. The Past - Freedom from the past is one of the biggest freedoms you can experience. So many people live in the past as if they can change it. Nothing in the past can be changed, ever. The only thing you can do is move forward having learned lessons about what to do and what not to do, what works and what doesn’t. Fixating on past mistakes holds you captive to those mistakes, even if you want to move forward. You’ll be controlled by mistakes instead of taking your life in a new, healthy, positive direction. The past needs to be left in the past, the lessons learned internalized and used to make smarter assessments in the future.

4. Love - The freedom to love unconditionally can help you heal from the inside out. Learn to love unreservedly, and then love those people you might most want to hate. Allow yourself to feel compassion, patience, peace, and passion. Learn to let go of drama, negativity, and all the other things that you feel hold you back. Allowing yourself to love unconditionally gives others what they need. Allowing yourself to be loved unconditionally allows you to get what you desire.

Those with a healthy sense of independence can give of themselves without feeling used up or taken advantage of. They can respond happily to the needs of others and are a source of amazing positive energy to those who know them.

My final thought

There can be no better feeling than the sense of freedom and accomplishment when you stand independently on your own two feet, meeting other people as an equal.

For more information, read these posts.

10 Key Lessons In The Art Of Being Self-Reliant

Don’t Wait For Others To Believe In you

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